So it’s kind of been a hot minute since the last update, once again. To be fair, spring is always a busy, busy time of year, full of deadlines and paperwork and things like taxes, and it tends to eat away at my attention span and raise my cortisol levels and generally make most tasks difficult that aren’t immediately crucial. There were a couple of added stressors this time, including my husband getting attacked by a large, strange dog and bitten hard enough that he went to the ER (ultimately he’s fine, thank goodness, but still healing up a few weeks later and we’re not entirely sure if he’s going to have a scar from it or not), another random attack of insomnia, and me grappling with the not-unexpected news that my parents are finally gearing up to leave my childhood home.
That last was a real doozy for a couple of weeks there, and I’m just happy that I have very good, very patient, and very understanding friends who sat with me while I speedran the five stages of grief. I think that was an okay pace, personally. It’s not like this is a surprise – I’ve known it was coming for years, and I’m so keenly aware and supportive of the idea that is has to happen. My folks are getting older and neither my brother nor I are in any position to take over a whole farm. It’s a hard, hard life and we’re not built for it, and I’m super settled on Vancouver Island now, besides. So, currently, I’m pretty much at peace with and comfy with the idea. I still would like to go home sometime this year and do a last little walk around, get some photos, say some goodbyes, etc. but if that ultimately doesn’t happen, I know now that I’ll be okay.
And hell, there’s a percentage chance (depending on many factors) that I might get to see my family as a whole a lot more often because of the change. I am totally all for that.
I need to get at least one more paycheque under my belt, but then I want to book a flight soon. One friend of mine is for sure offering to help with the cost of the flight, and again, I’m just grateful to have such good buddies.
I will say I’m kind of impressed/relieved in general with my ability to recover from stress. The last several years have been really difficult, and I just haven’t been myself. I think the last time I was “okay” was 2015, if I’m going to be completely honest. In the in-between, there’s been so much: moving provinces, adapting to being away from my family, building a relationship with my now-husband, getting rushed into buying a house before we were prepared, having said house get flooded by a pipe failure in the suite above us and having spend most of 2024 uprooted and upended, expensive surgery for my cat, accepting that said cat – my first cat, my first pet who is wholly my own – is getting irrevocably old, expensive tax debacles, quitting a decade-long attempt to make any kind of living as an artist and the hard moment of admitting to myself that I was failing to adequately tell a story that meant the world to me but that was fucking everything else up (still a sore spot for me; I want to retell Prophecy of the Circle sometime, but it’s hard to want to start again). And then that whole pandemic thing and other global mishaps that’ve tipped the world scales into a recession… It’s been a time. But even if things aren’t better, I at least feel like I’m finally handling them better, if that makes sense? I get over stuff quicker. It doesn’t ruin me for as long. I’m more resilient.
And as a kind of proof of that, I’ve started finally settling into my home after being here for what will be ten years this December. Took long enough, but this weekend I began remaking my art studio into what I want it to be. I have plans to decorate the entryway, to reorganize the kitchen, to declutter my wardrobe and my closets, and to make this place comfortable. I always say that my environment is a reflection of my mental state, and it’s true. I used to be pretty proud of how nice I kept my home, and while it’s never fallen into actual disarray, it hasn’t been comfortable either, because I haven’t been comfortable.
This is a good sign. The world’s still in chaos and I can’t promise myself it’ll last, but it’s nice to know, at the moment, that I’m at least capable of being my old self and making my space into an art project, just the way it’s supposed to be.
Art progress round-up time! There hasn’t been a ton, but a bit of progress. Some sketches, one finished piece (haha, one, gosh), and some bits of progress on others. There’ve been lineart updates besides these, but I don’t feel like those pieces are quite baked enough yet to show off. Maybe next time I do one of these.
Finally, to end off, a eclectic mix of a couple of songs I’m currently very into: