I’m not running off an extraordinarily great amount of sleep as I write this, which isn’t wonderful. I don’t know exactly what went sideways, but I think it was a few things, and so last night I just didn’t sleep. Somehow I hit midnight, and this overwhelming sense of incredible dread and depression came over me. I’ve never really felt anything like it. I was just scared and convinced of my own doom and I was bleakly depressed, and it stuck with me until 5AM on the nose, when it all just lifted like a cloud. It feels, sometimes, like my own mind is about as good at communicating as the rest of the people around me, because I think I know what it was, but I didn’t get any clarity about it. Just bad vibes.
It’s August. I have a few weeks until I go to the family farm. That’s making me low-key kind of nervous just because I know my emotions have a lot of strength to them and I don’t entirely know if they’re going to buck or not. I’ve never done the whole saying-goodbye-to-my-childhood-home thing, after all, and I know I have to process it somehow, but it doesn’t come with a manual of how it’s going to happen. I’ve also got the other layer of awareness where I’m not the only one there and I’m not even dealing with most of the work – just the feelings. My parents are doing all that. Tim will be there and he’s an outsider to everything but me. I’m trying to be mindful of all of these factors and not… be… annoying? While I’m working through my own baggage? It’s a tough juggling act that I’ve always been clumsy at, and aware that I’m clumsy, and apologetic that I am. As you can imagine, while that’s not occupying my day-to-day thoughts, it’s running in the background and slowly taking up more of my CPU power.
I’ve also got the ongoing struggle with managing my free time. I have so much I want to do – NEED to do. I want to write, draw, get healthy, get good regular exercise, get a good sleep every night, get to work on time and do a good job at work, stay on top of my responsibilities, keep my finances in check, maintain social connections, and… I swear. We all have the same 24 hours but it feels like mine are shorter (they’re not), but again, I feel a certain way about it. I’ve been working on striking the balance, and I’m winning, but it’s not by a lot. I run close to time a lot. Often. Daily. I’m sorry, my friends – I do see you as much as I can, I promise.
There’s other stuff. Friends and family and their stresses and plans and all manner of unrelated stuff and things and also I have to get on a plane. Twice. Sometimes I feel like a big baby, but then again, I think we all get like this sometimes.
At any rate, I think that’s why I had trouble sleeping.
Some positives! Despite that, I had a good weekend. I didn’t do everything I wanted, but I did a lot. All the little physical well-being and creative goals I set for myself were met, so I think I’m developing a better sense of what I’m capable of. I know I talk about this all the time, but it’s genuinely one of the hardest things I have to figure out. Just. Time management for all of the things.
I started teaching myself to knit! It doesn’t look very good, and I was very smart in ignoring everyone who told me to try to make a hat or a scarf or a whatever because I absolutely can’t focus on making anything right now when I’m at step zero, but I did learn cast on and the knit stitch today to the point where I don’t get angry trying to wrap my head around the concept anymore. We call that a success! I’ll practice it until I’m bored and then see what the next frontier is.
Tim and I are playing Prey again, just on Saturday evenings. We started the game about three times in the past, and never got past the beginning. Well. He did. I didn’t. So I’m making him play it all the way through while I watch, and often while I’m pedalling away on my exercise bike. Good to get a two-fer-one in there where I can, speaking of time management.
We’re also watching Kino’s Journey – we won the DVD at Tsukino-con at one point and just never watched it. It’s all right. It reminds me of a less elegant Mushi-shi, where there’s no big, overarching plot, just a lot of little one-off episode length stories, but Mushi-shi felt more believable despite the supernatural elements. Kino’s Journey is a bit preachy, ham-fisted, and I lose my suspension of disbelief too often because I keep thinking that no one talks like that. Next up, though, we’re planning to watch the anime Jungle Book that I grew up on as a kid, so maybe I should enjoy the lukewarm feelings while I can. I’m not sure how well something I loved when I was four will stand up to today. I was pleasantly surprised when we watched The Bushbaby, though. That was by the same groups, both in Japan and the English dubbing team. Maybe it’ll pan out.
Book-wise, I’ve been into graphic novels, and especially anything by Evan Dahm. I just finished Rice Boy. I might do fanart. Maybe I’ve said this before, but everything he writes feels like what I wanted to do with Prophecy of the Circle but done right. Especially 3rd Voice, but all of it is my jam.
I did update the galleries here, too. Kept my word. I just need to update the 18+ galleries sometime soon. I’ve been working in that sketchbook recently, but not scanning any of my work.
This piece is my favourite and I want to print it, frame it, and put it on the wall sometime. I’ve been doing that, too! Getting art prints on the walls, that is. None of mine, yet, though. I should take a photo sometime of our main hallway, though, and how it’s getting covered by art I’ve picked up over the years. You can tell that, despite the continued turbulence in my life, that I’m getting better when I start decorating my home,
It only took ten years.